


cause and effect

by kitsunerei88



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Study, M/M, Pining, Relationship Study, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:42:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27510019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitsunerei88/pseuds/kitsunerei88
Summary: For Sirius, there was never anyone other than James Potter.
Relationships: Sirius Black/James Potter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17
Collections: Mistletoe Exchange 2020





	cause and effect

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tossedwaves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tossedwaves/gifts).



Sirius stared out the window onto Platform 9 and 3/4s. Below him, he could see hundreds of people—the students were happy and laughing, the youngest ones excited to board the famed train for the first time and the oldest already catching up with their school friends. Parents and other family members were smiling, some of them discreetly dabbing tears away from their eyes.

His parents had simply Side-Along Apparated him into Platform 9 and 3/4s, seen him onto the train, and left. That had probably been for the best, Sirius thought—family his parents and Regulus might be, but they would never have had the same send-off as the others. It wasn’t seemly, his father would have said about the exuberant expression of emotion around them, and his mother wouldn’t have been able to hide her disgust at being out in such a common place, surrounded by halfbloods and Mudbloods. Regulus would have said nothing, and Sirius would have wished that he were like anyone from any other family. A _normal_ family.

A boy with tousled, dark hair caught his eye. It was hard to tell his age, but from the fact that he hadn’t gone to find anyone, Sirius guessed that he was probably a first year even if he was tall and his parents were on the older side. The grey-haired, matronly woman beside him leaned down, hugging him tightly, and Sirius could see that the boy didn’t fight the affection. Instead, he reached into the hug, pecking his mother on the cheek once with a grin, before reaching up to hug his father. His parents were both laughing and crying at once, and from the cheeky look on the boy’s face, Sirius guessed he had said something to provoke the laughter.

Sirius looked away from the window, focusing on the faded red-velvet seat across from him. Hogwarts would be different, at the very least. His parents expected him to Sort into Slytherin, every Black did, but that thought was as depressing as anything else. If he did Sort into Slytherin, he’d probably have to deal with more of that stuffy self-importance that he despised, since at least half of his Housemates would be in the same circles of his parents, but if he didn’t, it would only give his parents more complaints about him. Sirius had always been too loud, too rambunctious, too outgoing—he never matched the image of pureblood propriety, and he never would.

The last whistle for the train blew. Sirius could hear, from the corridor, the stamp of feet as people surged onto the train. He sighed, leaning back in his seat. Hogwarts would at least be different from home, and maybe he wouldn’t Sort into Slytherin. He’d be a disappointment if he did, but then he always was anyway, so what did it matter?

The door to his compartment slid open, and Sirius turned to see the dark-haired boy from the platform.

“Hey,” the boy said, with a bright, somewhat sheepish grin. “D’you mind if I sit? Most of the other compartments are full.”

Up close, Sirius could see that the boy had blue eyes, a sharp, pointed nose, and high cheekbones. His dark hair was cropped short, only appearing tousled because it curled in every which direction. A pair of spectacles perched on his nose, with thin, black frames. If Sirius thought about it, the boy looked much as Sirius himself did—they had the same dark hair, the same nose, the same cheekbones.

But on him, they looked different. Because he was smiling, and not just with his mouth. He smiled with his whole face, his eyes crinkled with true happiness, and his mouth shape was only the reflection of the joy he radiated from inch of his skin.

“Yeah,” Sirius found himself replying, gesturing to the seat across from him. “Sirius Black. I’m a first year. You?”

The boy grinned again, walking into the small compartment and dropping into the seat across from him. “James Potter, and same.”

* * *

They both Sort into Gryffindor—after James’ comments on the train, Sirius had asked for Gryffindor, because Gryffindor already seemed like a happier choice than Slytherin. His parents had been disappointed, but they were always disappointed in him anyway, and to hell with them because Sirius was happier than he had ever been before.

No one in Gryffindor tsked at him for being loud, for being too talkative, for being himself. Sirius was Sirius, and he was sharp and smart and sarcastic, and James thought he was funny.

James thought he was funny, and James was, as Sirius could have predicted, the most popular among the Gryffindors of their year, and possibly the few years around them, too. It was his smile that drew them in—a smile of true happiness, a smile that said that if they threw all caution to the winds and followed him, that they too could be happy. James was the centre of their small group, and while James was the centre, Sirius occupied a place of high honour even among them as James’ best friend.

James was first for Sirius among their friends. He liked Remus all right—even if Remus was quieter, he was a good touchstone of sense—but Sirius couldn’t say that he liked Peter at all. Peter was a sycophant, always looking for someone to protect him, and sometimes Sirius thought that James only favoured him because someone had to look out him.

They became the Marauders: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. James and Sirius got into the most trouble, with Remus bailing them out from time to time, and Peter best at small subterfuges. James would have said that they all complemented each other, that they were all close friends and that they all cared for each other equally, but Sirius knew the truth.

For Sirius, James came first.

* * *

In fifth year, James fell in love with Lily Evans.

At first, Sirius had been surprised, and then he had been surprised at his own surprise. Not that James had fallen in love with Lily Evans, of whom he didn’t have much thought at all, but that he had fallen in love with a girl. Not that Sirius had thought James wouldn’t fall in love with a girl, but—hell. That was the quandary.

Sirius was not straight. At least, not purely straight. All he could say for certain was that he was very much into James Potter, that he had been almost since he met James. It had taken a few years for him to work it out, but Sirius was very much into James, and James was almost certainly straight. Or, even if he wasn’t straight, he certainly wasn’t interested in Sirius, because he was interested in _Lily Evans_.

So, Sirius said nothing. He laughed louder at James’ jokes and pranks, and he egged him on harder than he ever had done before. Peter went along with it, while Remus gave him understanding and worried looks that he promptly ignored. He threw himself more into their Animagus project, the more that he could ignore James making moon-eyes across the common room at Lily and her friends, and he pushed them through their first Animagus transformations by May of that year.

It was all he could do. Sirius would rather have James as his friend, his best friend, than nothing at all.

* * *

Sirius blew out of his flat, leather jacket over his shoulders, wand in hand. His heart was left in Godric’s Hollow, dead as James and Lily were now, and he didn’t need to go to them to confirm it. He couldn’t.

He should have done it. He should have been Secret-Keeper for James and Lily. He should have agreed, but it was so logical. Sirius had been the weak point—he had a dozen connections right into the Death Eaters through his family, and You-Know-Who would have known that Sirius would be the logical pick for James and Lily. Sirius wouldn’t have cracked, not even under torture, but he hadn’t wanted to take chances.

The plan was, they would have come hunting him. They would have come hunting Sirius, and Sirius would have led them on a merry chase into a place where the Order could take them down. And for that, James and Lily and Harry had to be _safe_ , so he had trusted their long-ago friendships and told James to pick Peter.

Peter, because Peter was always the weakest of them, and You-Know-Who only respected strength. Peter, whom Sirius would have thought owed James as much a debt of gratitude for seven years at Hogwarts, would be loyal to James if to no one else. Sirius couldn’t imagine anyone spending seven years at Hogwarts with James and not being loyal.

And he hadn’t. Peter had turned, and that meant that Peter must die.

James had been everything. Sirius had his own life, but everything came back to James. Because of James, Sirius had dared to become something other than trying to fit into the mold that his family wanted; because of James, Sirius had met friends and connections and made relationships outside the pureblood circle. Because of James, Sirius had been able to leave home at sixteen; because of James, Sirius always had somewhere he could go.

Because of James, Sirius could smile.

And now James was gone. James, who had never returned the feelings Sirius had never spoken, but who had treated him like the brother he never had. James, who had been the only person Sirius had ever loved, in a way he couldn’t really have explained to anyone. And now he was gone.

Peter Pettigrew would die for it. Sirius would see to it that Peter died for it, because it was only in action that he could grieve.

**Author's Note:**

> tossedwaves: I hope you enjoyed! Somehow I wanted more pining but Sirius turned out to be too action-oriented to uselessly pine, so he distracted himself with action instead.


End file.
